Friday, November 20, 2009

Anti-Twilight Vampire Weekend: Killer Barbys vs. Dracula (2002)

Killer Barbys vs. Dracula, by Jess Franco, was the first movie I pulled out of the hat and man do I wish I didn't. It makes Astro-Zombie (see my review that winner HERE) actually look good, which is saying a lot. This was a horrible way to kick off my Anti-Twilight Vampire Weekend.

I can't believe the same man that directed Count Dracula (1970) starring Christopher Lee directed this piece of shot-on-video crap-fest. Scenes are badly framed, no pacing, scenes don't match up and the script looks like it was made up as they went along. It makes me feel sorry for Franco.

If there was a plot I'd write a summary of it in this paragraph, but since there was none I won't.

How bad is the movie? Damn baby, where do I begin? First, Dracula looks like René Dif, the bald male singer from the Danish pop group Aqua ("Come on Barbie, let's go party"). The acting is on par with my daughter's first grade, strike that, my daughter's play had much better acting. The vampire costumes look like they were bought at a party store's bargain bin, as does the vampire fangs and makeup. There's comic relief in the form of a blind Dr. Seward, which only made me cry. We're treated (I use the word sarcastically) to Dracula being so moved by the music he hears at a concert that he jumps on stage and starts dancing with the band. Just like vampires shouldn't sparkle, they also should dance like a nerd on prom night.

At one point the Killer Barbys are playing a concert on a small stage, but they cut in footage of a large arena to make it look like they're playing for thousands of people. Cool editing trick if you can pull it off, and they don't in this film.

At the end, they stake Dracula and he turns into a...wait for it comes...are you ready...a tiny toy rabbit that hops away. No, I'm not joking. Stop yelling at me, I'm not joking.

The dub (the movie was originally a German-Spanish co-production) to English is worse than any Godzilla film. At point the dialogue was so bad I wondered if the people doing the dub gave up and started to say random thing just to get the job done.

The Killer Barbys are a real band from Spain, and the lead singer Silvia Superstar is super hot. The girl is hot, that's the best thing I can say about the movie.

I can't go on, I'm really sad right now and I just want to curl up in a blanket and tell myself this never happened...tiny toy rabbit...shutter.

Until Next Time, Stay Insane

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